A Fabulous 4th of July

Early this afternoon when the skies were clear (for a moment) I looked out my glass screen door and saw two little boys putting mini American flags on everyone's front lawn. I looked up my street and saw flapping flags and thought that I'm now a part of this America not just some disenfranchised minority without rights and who is barely tolerated to exist.

Things have now changed. I have the right to openly serve my country and to marry whom I love. Progress indeed. Now if the rest of the country will only grant the right to marry for everyone, our country will be even a better place to be a citizen. Momentum is with us LGBT. The future is ours if not only a little way in the distance. So in the meanwhile have yourself a FABULOUS and HAPPY 4th!!! Because we earned it.

A Defining Moment…

You’d never guess it from my freshman year that I was going to be popular in college. I certainly didn’t plan on it or even plot it. It was just 1982, and I came out to myself and everyone else (except my family). And then there was an open position (or rather a huge vacancy) for a radical lesbian feminist student at UCLA. It was a wide open opportunity. I don’t think I had any competition except my girlfriend, who worked a different angle than I did.

At UCLA in those days we had special interest papers for ethnic, Jewish, LGBT and women’s issues. As a feminist I worked on the women’s newsmagazine, Together. I worked my way up from reporter to editor-in-chief. Finally, as a journalist I had become a BDOC (Big Dyke on Campus) and popular, at least with some people. But being a BDOC wasn’t all fun and games. The position had responsibilities too.

The LGBT student publication, Ten Percent (as it was known then) had lost its Business Manager, and if it couldn’t recruit another one, was facing shut-down. I struck a deal with the Chair of the Communications Board that if we could show support for Ten Percent in the form of a petition and a rally, the Communications Board would extend the deadline for finding a Business Manager and keep the paper alive.

I asked everyone to sign that petition to keep Ten Percent alive. People signed and signed. In a week I had close to 200 signatures. The campus Gay and Lesbian Association (GALA) got into the act and organized the rally for Ten Percent. We mobilized. Now remember this was 1983…it was UCLA but still it was 1983.

GALA got at least 12 different speakers for the rally. A crowd of at least 100 people gathered. Finally, my turn came to speak. All I could think to say was a rallying cry. So I raised my fist in front of that crowd and shouted “We’re gay and we’re not going away.” The other gays and lesbians in the crowd picked up the rallying cry and repeated it several times. Before long the whole crowd was chanting it.

From that moment onward, I knew what my heart’s mission would be in my lifetime. I had experienced my defining moment.

By the way, Ten Percent did get a Business Manager and is still thriving (albeit under a different name) today.

Come Out!

October 11 is a big day for us. It’s National Coming Out Day for the LGBT community. It’s a day full of challenges and inspirations. How you will come out depends upon you. Many of us are brave and come out to family, friends and in our workplaces. For others who need to take baby steps, it may be as simple as sporting a haircut that makes you “look like a lesbian.” Whichever way you choose to come out, remember this: only come out on your own terms and in your own way.

Many straight people are happy more of us are coming out. And yet they are unaware of the risks we are taking when we do so. I wrote the following rules for straight people. Please pass it along as you see fit.

LET THEM TELL YOU

A gay person faces many perils when coming out. If you are an LGBT person, coming out is a life-long and constant process.  For the most part, whoever you are, whatever you do and wherever you are, LGBT people are assumed to be straight.  Our society considers all of its members to be straight unless otherwise determined.  This puts the burden on LGBT people to reveal themselves, often at the risk of losing friends, family acceptance, their careers or even their personal safety.

Despite these risks, many LGBT people have come out and refused to live in silence and invisibility. There are many levels to coming out.  First, LGBT people must come out to themselves.  This self-recognition can happen anytime during the course of a lifetime.  Usually, the next level is when an LGBT comes out to other LGBT friends or a potential lover.  Later, people often seek out the LGBT community for friends, significant others or sexual partners.

There is an unwritten code in the LGBT community that it will not endanger its members.  This often translates into not “outing” someone’s sexual orientation to straight people, anyone who is not a member of the community or who is deemed untrustworthy.  This trust issue is where things get tricky in the community.  Sometimes it leads to a degree of paranoia within the community.

The next level of coming out is to straight friends and eventually family members.  For some this comes early depending on the expected level of acceptance from family and friends.  For other who have reasons to expect a negative reaction, it comes later or perhaps never.

Coming out in one’s career can be very difficult.  For most LGBT people the workplace is still one of “don’t ask, don’t tell.”  Many people have been either harassed or fired for revealing their sexual orientation.  In some municipalities non-discrimination laws are on the books, but in many workplaces the climate is still chilly for LGBT people. Exceptions are on the rise, and workplaces that endorse a “pro-equality” position encourage LGBT people to come out in this significant part of their lives.

Finally, the ultimate coming out is a public declaration in the media.  These LGBT people, nowadays often celebrities or politicos, go on record and often become role-models.  Ironically, the media attention often acts as a shield from detractors---not hiding or living in fear makes one stronger and less vulnerable.

Given the dangers and potential losses of coming out for LGBT people, straight people are advised to let LGBT people tell you.  Don’t come out for them.

October 11th is our day to come out and be proud. You may be surprised just how many people come out. Remember there is strength in numbers…and our numbers of brave people are growing every day. Let’s make October 11th a great day! Come outf