Come Out!

October 11 is a big day for us. It’s National Coming Out Day for the LGBT community. It’s a day full of challenges and inspirations. How you will come out depends upon you. Many of us are brave and come out to family, friends and in our workplaces. For others who need to take baby steps, it may be as simple as sporting a haircut that makes you “look like a lesbian.” Whichever way you choose to come out, remember this: only come out on your own terms and in your own way.

Many straight people are happy more of us are coming out. And yet they are unaware of the risks we are taking when we do so. I wrote the following rules for straight people. Please pass it along as you see fit.

LET THEM TELL YOU

A gay person faces many perils when coming out. If you are an LGBT person, coming out is a life-long and constant process.  For the most part, whoever you are, whatever you do and wherever you are, LGBT people are assumed to be straight.  Our society considers all of its members to be straight unless otherwise determined.  This puts the burden on LGBT people to reveal themselves, often at the risk of losing friends, family acceptance, their careers or even their personal safety.

Despite these risks, many LGBT people have come out and refused to live in silence and invisibility. There are many levels to coming out.  First, LGBT people must come out to themselves.  This self-recognition can happen anytime during the course of a lifetime.  Usually, the next level is when an LGBT comes out to other LGBT friends or a potential lover.  Later, people often seek out the LGBT community for friends, significant others or sexual partners.

There is an unwritten code in the LGBT community that it will not endanger its members.  This often translates into not “outing” someone’s sexual orientation to straight people, anyone who is not a member of the community or who is deemed untrustworthy.  This trust issue is where things get tricky in the community.  Sometimes it leads to a degree of paranoia within the community.

The next level of coming out is to straight friends and eventually family members.  For some this comes early depending on the expected level of acceptance from family and friends.  For other who have reasons to expect a negative reaction, it comes later or perhaps never.

Coming out in one’s career can be very difficult.  For most LGBT people the workplace is still one of “don’t ask, don’t tell.”  Many people have been either harassed or fired for revealing their sexual orientation.  In some municipalities non-discrimination laws are on the books, but in many workplaces the climate is still chilly for LGBT people. Exceptions are on the rise, and workplaces that endorse a “pro-equality” position encourage LGBT people to come out in this significant part of their lives.

Finally, the ultimate coming out is a public declaration in the media.  These LGBT people, nowadays often celebrities or politicos, go on record and often become role-models.  Ironically, the media attention often acts as a shield from detractors---not hiding or living in fear makes one stronger and less vulnerable.

Given the dangers and potential losses of coming out for LGBT people, straight people are advised to let LGBT people tell you.  Don’t come out for them.

October 11th is our day to come out and be proud. You may be surprised just how many people come out. Remember there is strength in numbers…and our numbers of brave people are growing every day. Let’s make October 11th a great day! Come outf